If you’re “bewifed” by “five savage wives” and childrenised by “sixteen voracious children,” what do you do when you’re suddenly “dejobbed?”
You write a letter in which you tell your boss that you resent being “violently dejobbed in a twinkling.” You also point out to him that he is clearly wrong for giving you a sack on charges of laziness. How lazy can you be if you’ve “pitched sixteen infant children into” the world?
It actually happened. In 1929, an aggrieved government employer in the city of Calabar sends a letter to his boss asking him to reconsider the decision to thrown him out of work.
The writing is melancholy but endlessly funny. It’s so bad that it’s lovable, poetic even. The grand poetic imageries are my favorites. Neither Shakespeare nor Soyinka could have thought up a line as arresting as “pitched sixteen infant children into this valley of tears.”
Enjoy and have a fabulous weekend.
#NOTE: Scroll past the image to see the full transcript of the letter.
February 2nd 1929.
On opening this epistle you will behold the work of a dejobbed person, and a very bewifed and much childrenised gentleman.
Who was violently dejobbed in a twinkling by your goodself. For Heavens sake Sir consider this catastrophe as falling on your own head, and remind yourself as walking home at the moon’s end of five savage wives and sixteen voracious children with your pocket filled with non-existent £ S D; not a solitudery sixpence; pity my horrible state when being dejobbed and proceeding with a heart and intestines filled with misery to this den of doom; myself did greedily contemplate culpable homicide, but Him who did protect Daniel (poet) safely through the lion’s dens will protect his servant in his home of evil.
As to reason given by yourself — goodself — esquire for my dejobbment the incrimination was laziness.
No Sir. It were impossible that myself who has pitched sixteen infant children into this valley of tears, can have a lazy atom in his mortal frame, and the sudden departure of eleven pounds monthly has left me on the verge of the abyss of destitution and despair. I hope this vision of horror will enrich your dreams this night, and good Angel will meet and pulverise your heart of nether milestone so that you will awaken, and with as much alacrity as may be compatable with your personal safety, you will hasten to rejobulate your servant.
So mote it be – Amen
Sgd. Asuquo Okon Inyang.