January, 2018

The sun is angry today. The colours are at their brightest and everything’s dry despite the past week of intense thunderstorms. We are sat under our tree; the familiarity is overwhelming but I focus on your smile, the gap between your teeth, and the shine in your eyes as you go on about the movie series you’ve rewatched ten times already. I sit and drown in your voice because it’s my favourite melody.

“Are you thinking about something?” you ask, your voice laced with concern. I lift your chin and let our lips meld, I feel a small gasp slip out of your mouth as you lean into the kiss. The taste of strawberry bubble gum lingers on your tongue, and something in me shifts when I feel your fingers in my hair, playing with my blue braids that you swear turns you on every time.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I whisper, cupping your face in my palms like you’d break if I held on too tightly. There’s a sob in my throat as I take in your full lips, slightly rosy from the kiss, your soft cheeks that I wouldn’t get to pinch for God knows how long, the birthmark on your neck that often goes unnoticed but that I’ve grown fond of kissing.
“Hey, hey, let’s not think about that right now okay?” you start, bringing your forehead to mine. “Let’s just focus on today”

Neither of us makes promises about the future, it hurts too much to jinx it.
“We’ll call every day, I’ll send you that cute jewellery you like. The time difference isn’t much so we can always schedule video calls,” you say kissing my cheek again. “Alright, enough moping, it’s your birthday, open your gift”
I blink back the tears and indulge you, tearing open the red wrapping paper from the tiny box. Inside the lush velvet foam lay a gold chain with half a heart pendant. It looks way too expensive, but you’d get annoyed if I mention it so I don’t. I tell you I love it, it‘s true – it has your initial on the back, N – for Nnoli – in simple cursive. I don’t need to ask for the other half because you show it off on your neck, grinning like you do when you’re seeking praise.
“It’s beautiful,” I say as you clasp mine on for me.
“Listen,” you take my face in your hands, holding my gaze. It’s rare for you to express yourself this way. I see you struggling with the words before they all come rushing forward in one breath. “I can’t promise you the future, I don’t know how everything will play out for us, but I need you to know every second we spent together was as precious as the moon and stars at midnight. I need you to know that you hold a special place in my heart… I love you so much it’s overwhelming.”

We make love at night, whispering sweet nothings to ourselves amidst tender kisses and gentle touches, ignoring the bittersweet truth that will come with sunrise. I help you pack and leave before your parents come over to take you to the airport.

We just boarded.
It comes as a text. There’s not much to say and a call might distract you, so I leave a simple reply.
Safe journey.

The skies wail when you leave, throwing an occasional groan while the rest of the world falls asleep. The night feels cold and empty and so does my bed.

 

March, 2016

I wasn’t looking for love that night. I was livid at the sight of your texts on the group chat. How could you think that reality TV shows were based on reality? That shit’s scripted! The conversation went on till midnight, most of the others leaving us to settle scores after seeing how heated it was getting. I still can’t remember what conclusion we both came to, or who conceded first, but I remember you pestering me frequently after that.

On some days, you’d bring up a new discourse on a K-drama I was fangirling over, other days, you’d reply to my WhatsApp stories with paragraphs and essays, sometimes of you disagreeing, most times not and on rare occasions, compromising. Our arguments eased into conversations, about work, about books, about love. Your dry humor shining a sliver of light amidst the rage that blinded me. It took months of long phone calls, getting used to the sound of your voice, your squeals, your laugh, – you laughed a lot – before we met up at a cafe.

I felt the nerves buzzing through my veins in anticipation that morning. It felt stupid because it was just you; it was the girl that pecked at my insides, chip by chip, carving an opening for herself to nest; the girl that didn’t mind my stuttering over the phone, the girl that had listened to me sob for days on end when I lost my old journal, when no one at home took me seriously; the one that encouraged me to dream bigger for myself and offered to hold my hand through the process. It didn’t make sense that I was nervous when you had seen me in more ways than anyone.

You walked in with that bright smile of yours and everything was easy. Falling in love with you was as simple as being awed by waterfalls or the clouds on a warm evening. The sound of your voice gave room for fireworks exploding in my insides, hugs weren’t annoying anymore but felt like a balm for a bruise I didn’t know I had. Holding hands was a comfort, a reassurance that I wasn’t alone. And a kiss? A kiss was a desperate gasp for air, a declaration of want and need. A kiss was tongues teasing, teeth nipping, shivers running through spines, stardust blinding closed eyes, and a promise to linger on my lips for a long long time. Your kiss was oxygen.

 

August, 2018

The first few months are hell. It stings; going to cafes we visited but you aren’t there, visiting our favourite suya stand and leaving with one newspaper wrap instead of two, and walking alone without the sound of your voice telling me about your new anime husband. I spend time envisioning our reunion, on some occasions we’d casually bump into each other on the street and everything slows. Other times, we’d get introduced to each other by some hotshot businessman. I’d hear a knock on my door and think you were standing there, waiting to explain how the past few months were just a dream.

It’s easy to stay in love with you when we speak daily. I remember comforting you through the adapting phase, the fear of new people, and the workload coming in. We’d pick out each other’s outfits at first, but now we barely help each other get ready for bed.
“It’s normal,” they said. There’s always a drift between people when distance is involved. But Nnoli, we aren’t just people. We’re different, we’re soulmates, right?… Right?

Adanne is a welcome distraction. Walking into my life, casually, while I was at work, knowing just how to push my buttons, saying the right thing at the right time, to make me feel seen. One stage of grief was anger and by this time I was furious. Why’d you have to leave me feeling this way? Why couldn’t I get a grip and move on as easily as you did? Why did I still remember the sound of your laugh like it was on repeat at the back of my mind?

Adanne doesn’t mind that I’m a mess. She doesn’t mind that I bring you up so often that it sounds pathetic. She walks me back home from work, telling me about her day, listening to me rant then pulling me in for a kiss, waxing poetry about how pretty I look under the moonlight.

Things with Adanne aren’t complicated. She isn’t ready to leave the country like everyone else, she’s not in the closet like the both of us either, and she doesn’t believe in romantic relationships, so we’re friends. But friends don’t take off your clothes at night, friends don’t nibble at your lips while you kiss breathlessly, slipping a finger inside you and causing moans and desperate whimpers to fall out your lips like a prayer. Friends don’t fuck you till your bones feel like putty. And despite everything that happened with Adanne, we were still just friends in a strange non-complex way.
“It’s no big deal,” she explained as she shrugged on her top, “just think of it as stress relief or something, it’s not like we’re dating.”

I live with a knot in my chest, unable to get used to the dull ache that comes with breathing. I can’t believe I betrayed you like that. But how would you even find out? You never call, our chat has gone to the bottom of my contact feed after a month of one-word replies to paragraphs of texts from me.

I will last a week before calling you. You pick up after my third attempt, bright and chirpy like nothing was wrong.
“Nnoli, I’m sorry,” I blurt out in the middle of the conversation, confessing my sins and hoping for some form of forgiveness.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” you say. “Does she treat you well?”
Something in me snapped, “How the fuck are you even asking me that?”
I hear you moving before you speak again. “I don’t know when I’m coming back, I don’t know if we’d have different feelings by then, I can’t tie you down.”
“Is that it? Or you’ve found someone else?”
“That’s– that’s not it…” There was a sniff. “You’re going to get hurt if you wait for me”
“But– why… why would you say such a thing?”

I walk over to the office toilet, feeling a sob rise up my throat.
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, it’s supposed to be the other way round!”
“Kasarachi–”
“Stop, stop please,” I choke on a sob. How can you still say my name like that after everything? “Nnoli– I don’t want to do this, we can figure it out somehow, can’t we?”
“I don’t think we can… not this time,” I can swear you’re holding back tears. “It’s getting harder on the both of us and I… I don’t know what else to do.”
“Nnoli–”
“Don’t worry about me anymore okay?” You take a deep breath again, “You’re going to be just fine with time, maybe it’s not in the cards for us right now.”
I give a teary laugh,“Why’d you have to be the logical one?”
“Force of habit,” you laugh back, but it comes out dry and empty.

The silence between us is deafening. I’m sure my colleagues are looking for me already, but hanging up the phone feels too permanent, yet there are no more words to say.
“Um… I’ll be going now. I’ve got a class soon,” you say after a while.
“Sure, “I nod like you can see me. “Have a nice day.”

 

November, 2020

It’s a quiet evening. The streaks of orange hues give the town a pretty filter, hiding the garbage and filthy gutters one could only notice when walking through the streets like I am. It’s not something I’m not used to, after commuting to work like this for a few years, dirt is the least of my worries. Some dogs played around the streets, and I respond to greetings from shop sellers, stopping once to get meat pies for dinner because I have no energy to cook tonight.

You had blocked me some months after our conversation, it stung but I don’t mind anymore. I have a girlfriend waiting for me at home. I’m not sure I love her as much as I love you, but she’s nice and sweet. I try to do right by her. It’s not Adanne by the way, we stopped talking after a couple of ‘stress-relief’ sessions.

I kiss her as she opens the door for me, smiling and excited. She has a youthful energy about her, bubbly and bright, it was one of the things that drew me to her. She liked anime just like you did and has a small gap tooth. She always had novelty-coloured braids, mixing and matching as her soul pleased – her name’s Nnenna. You’d claim I was trying to find you in another person and maybe you’d be right.

 

June, 2024

I’m at the mall today, trying to get a few things I couldn’t find in the market. As someone who walks a lot, it’s funny that I’m never in a rush, even in places I’m quite familiar with. I figure you’d call it a meditation of some sort, you’re into that sort of thing, or has time changed you yet?

Nnenna and I broke up three months ago. She blames me for phasing out every so often, sometimes mixing important dates up here and there. Her last straw was when I called out your name during sex. I blame myself too.

I’ve decided to stay single for a while. It’s not like anyone would want me anyway, who’d want someone who can’t move on from their ex?

I stop in front of Miniso. This was your favourite store, it’s where you bought those soft teddies you loved. I wonder why my heart can’t catch up with my brain. I’ve told myself this obsession might end me one day. All I have are memories of us, echoes of a time when there was an us. You have ruined me for everyone, but I can’t seem to hate you.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Intricate Explorer on Unsplash