Never talk about African women as if they were individuals. Remember: they are a monolithic group. There is the African Woman of which there are two subgroups: the Bad African Woman (BAW) and the Good African Woman (GAW). It really is as simple as that. Members of each group are easy to spot:

The Bad African Woman is a feminist which means that she hates men and spends her days pretending to be happy and her nights crying in loneliness because she has put career before marriage. Note: it doesn’t matter whether she’s married or not, that’s beside the point. For her, always  use adjectives  like ‘bitter’, ‘frustrated’, ‘sad’. She wants to corrupt your wives and your daughters and your sisters by telling them that they matter, that they deserve good things like respect and equality. Anybody who tells you otherwise is either lying to you or doesn’t know any better. Don’t listen to them. You are a Real African Man (RAM), you know these things.

The Good African Woman knows that her place is somewhere between domestic help with benefits and a mere child. Useful words to describe her  are  ‘angelic’, ‘wife-material’, ‘true’. She’s the TRUE African woman. She is always happy. Even when she looks sad on the outside, you know that her inside  is happy. You marry her. Then you work her like a horse. She cooks, she cleans, she sings no matter how tired she is. She is long-suffering. She values you. You both know that without you, she cannot be. If you’re that husband who likes to eat fresh egusi every day, she makes it for you no matter how inconveniencing it is. You can’t eat food made by anyone but your wife? She drags herself to the kitchen to cook it no matter how exhausted she is. She’s grateful for this. Everybody knows that once you eat food made by anyone else, including yourself,  your eyes will stray. Or a colossal  asteroid will crash into the earth and cause a catastrophic destruction. The GAW is a child for you to mould. You decide her friends. How is she to live in this big, bad world without your guidance? If she works, she knows to hand her salary over to you as soon as she receives it, and then you give her an allowance as you see fit. If she needs the allowance raised, she must justify it, preferably in writing. There are sample letters on Twitter (written by GAW wives and generously shared by Real African Men like you).

You may hear  the BAW  spouting  words like ‘toxic masculinity’ or ‘patriarchy’ or ‘misogyny’ or ‘oppression’ or ‘sexism.’  Or saying such nonsense like how culture isn’t static. Tell her she has forgotten her values and where she comes from. Ask her why she wants to be “like a white woman. We are not Europeans. We are Africans!” Because she is obstinate and doesn’t know her place, she won’t let you have the last word. She may bring up the 1929 Aba Women’s Protest or Funmi Ransome Kuti or Queen Amina or Queen Karibasa or Queen Idia  or Mekatilili wa Menza, or the Agoji  warriors or  her grandmother who raised 10 children and put them all through school by herself  as proof that her values are not imported, that being strong and fighting for equality is not un-African. She may tell you that you are the one creating a revisionist history of the subservient, docile African woman to suit you, that the idea of the African woman as weak and passive is a legacy of  colonialism. Don’t be surprised if she drags up some ancestor of hers who went to the farm in the morning and gave birth at home in the  evening to a healthy child while her Victorian counterparts  were busy fainting into couches because the ideal European woman of that era was supposed to be frail. This is how you must respond: Laugh. Make a condescending remark. Or two. Tell her no man will marry her with that attitude. If she’s already married, pity her husband. Some men really get no break in life.

This is really important:  if you meet a BAW behaving badly (aren’t they always?) say, talking back at you, remind her that you ‘keep’ one of her at home.  It doesn’t matter who she is or who you are, if you are a man you deserve her respect. You know this.  The GAW knows this. The BAW needs to be taught this. Throw it in her face if she doesn’t. You can threaten to beat it into her. That’s what those hands are for. Sometimes, your hands need to do the talking for you. Don’t they say that actions speak louder than words?

Are you a RAM still looking for more information on how to treat the African Woman (good or bad)? Or how to tell the good one from the bad one? I have curated a supplementary reading list for you below:

Femi Fani Kayode’s ‘How to Keep a Lady’  (Google it). It includes gems such as “They are like little children…they are like race horses: they must be mastered, tamed, trained, exercised and regularly serviced. They are like race cars: their engine must be revved at least twice a day.”

Reno Omokri’s ‘Nuggets’ (check his Twitter).  His nuggets include “Finance her (your wife’s) life and she will call you my Lord [sic]” and the warning that  “FEMINISM is ANTI CHRIST and of devilish origin [sic].”

TL of various Real African Men (RAM) like you. Pity about the unfortunate acronym.

Signed: GAW



This article was originally published on Daily Trust.