Sometimes, I really just want to talk to a person… anyone. I just want to talk about the ocean of unprocessed thoughts swishing against my mind and mental health. I want to let that facade drop for a moment, just be me for fifteen minutes so I take a step forward to do that but the world vomits a vibe-killing reply from that one person I thought cared about me. The one person who popped into my head, the one person who I thought I could fall back on, but then…it’s life, I guess. It’s supposed to be what it is.
Other times, I want no one close to me, I want no one to look at me, I want no one to whisper a phrase to me. Not even the nice guy I met on Instagram, not my favorite brother or the girl who has the best sister, not even the lady who told me I had nothing to lose at this stage in my life so I’ve got to take risks. Silence enveloping the four walls of the room I share with my sister gives me ecstasy at a point like that.
Well, a time between 1 am and 3 am is one I hate to witness, much easier if I give into nature, if not… it makes me feel like an alien… makes me feel like a hard guy even though I’m a girl. Makes me feel like an empty trunk of flesh with no heart. Makes me want to give up that “I want to maintain an inner room within my heart, sanctum sanctorum that will always be kept locked”
I don’t know if it’s okay to want to be loved, to want to have slender fingers across the surface of your skin scanning for a scratch, if there is one ask what happened to that spot… if this actually exists. I want to place my head on someone’s chest and listen to their heartbeat… steady or not… it doesn’t matter ’cause I’m with him and he’s with me, he’s me and I am him.
It’ll be heaven if you can wrap your hands around someone and whisper you’ve got them when they are in pain. How interesting it will be if you secretly record a boomerang of them taking a bite off your pain and post on Instagram, tagging them as “my haya.” Not giving 2 cents about the gram.
I know it’s ecstasy to have someone’s son record a three minutes audio explaining what happened during his day, then you have to plug in your earpiece and close your eyes to listen to that person you dream about… amazing how you smile beautifully, not foolishly to the sound of his voice changing from one tone to another. That one person who makes your day with a smile. That one person whose photo you can’t take your eyes off, that one person who makes you feel like you are floating on a surface of bubbles before they burst, smiling at mars bars growing on a tree.
It’s all cute and stuff until they don’t respond to your text… until they tell you they had a busy day so sleep comes first. What happened to the 2 am chats and giggles? What happened to the long voice notes and messages? What happened to we’ll chase our dreams together or has your dream chased you both apart? What happened to we’ll spend our lives together or are your lives about to end?