He felt the wind against his face. Where was he? What was happening? He opened his eyes and looked around. He was… he didn’t know where he was, but he was running. No… he didn’t just open his eyes. His eyes were already open. He just happened to get back into his body. That was the sensation he felt. He had been out of his body, and now he was back in. He tried to control himself, but he couldn’t. He was running on autopilot, to a destination he had no idea of, and there was nothing he could do about it but wait.

He felt tired, and… there was a wetness on his face. He tried to move his hand, and so much relief washed through him when he could. Hand on face, he traced the wetness and realized it was coming from his eyes.

Was he crying?

He was crying.

Why was he crying? And where was he running to?
He looked around and saw that he was in a vast field. It was night and there were no stars in the sky, no moon, but he could somehow see what was in front.

The wind lashed at him as his legs kept running without pause, his arms pumping by his sides. In the distance there was nothing, and then suddenly something. He couldn’t make it out, but as he ran closer to it, it started to glow. Its glow became so bright it lit up the night sky. His legs moved faster, drawing him closer to the strange thing lying on the field in the middle of nowhere.

A giant orb, about the size of a cow, glowed a soft golden colour, with a pulse that he could somehow feel through his body. His legs stopped moving when he was inches away, and he found that he could control them again.

Catching his breath, he walked around the orb, noticing how smooth and pristine it seemed to be, despite being embedded in the ground. It was like a giant had carefully pushed it into the earth, so it didn’t get stained.

How did it get there? What was it? He had no clue, but he was drawn to it. The orb seemed to notice, and its pulsing became stronger. Slowly, and with uncertainty, he placed a hand on the orb. It was warm to the touch. A soothing warmth. He placed his other hand and felt the warmth course through his being. Suddenly, in the middle of nowhere, he felt safe. He felt calm. He felt—

***

—tired of it all. It was the same thing over and over again. Couldn’t Ugo see that he was really trying?  Why did she always have to shoot down his efforts? Why did—?

Wait.

He looked around.

He was no longer in the field. He was in a room. A classroom. And talking to him was…

Ugo.

Ugo? How? She was dead…

What was going on? How did he…?

He looked around and realized he was in class. His class. Déjà vu hit him hard.

“Are you even listening to me? God, you aren’t! Why are you like this? I start to talk about things seriously and then you suddenly zone out! I can’t believe you! I’m so done with this!” Ugo got angry and got up to leave the class.

It hit him then. He should say something. But what? What was going on?

“Ugo, wait,” he called out. She turned around, an impatient look on her face.

“What?”

“You’re… you’re alive. You’re not dead.”

The look on her face changed. Shock, fright, then revulsion.

“Why would I be dead?”

“The car… the crash… What’s going on? Where am I?”

Ugo scoffed, “really? That’s what you want to pull? Amnesia?” Slowly, her countenance changed. It became sorrowful. “I need to be away from you right now.” And with that she left.

He stayed on the seat, wondering what was going on. Confusion crept in all over as he looked around, slowly recognizing everything. And then comprehension set in.

This is the day we had the fight. She left me and drove off. This is the day she died.

He jumped out of the chair with haste, determined to chase her down. If this really was the day she died, then he needed to get to her.

“Ugo? Ugo!” he shouted as he cleared out of the classroom and into the hallway. She was nowhere in sight. He ran fast for the parking lot, hoping to catch her before she got into her car and zoomed off. He felt a cold hand grip his chest, so hard it felt like it would burst. He couldn’t lose her, even if he didn’t know what was going on. He had to get to her. He felt—

***

—the wind against his face. Where was he? What was happening? He opened his eyes and looked around. He was… he didn’t know where he was, but he was running. No… he didn’t just open his eyes. His eyes were already open. He just happened to get back into his body. That was the sensation he felt.

He couldn’t stop his legs from running, but somehow, he knew he didn’t have to. Wherever he was going to, it was important, and he had to get there. He struggled to remember what had happened when he was out, but he couldn’t. His face felt wet, and when he traced the wetness with his fingers, he realized he was crying.

In the distance, there was a strange object that began to glow softly. When he got closer, his legs began decelerating. Inches away from the object, he realized it looked like a giant orb the size of a cow.

Déjà vu struck him.

He had been here before. But when? And how? Where was here?

He didn’t have answers, but only one thing came to mind. He had to put his hands on the orb for a reason he did not know. He questioned the reason, searching for any familiar anchor to remind him why he had to. But all he saw was the vastness of the field. Slowly, with uncertainty, he placed his hands on the orb. The pulse intensified, coursing through his whole being. Suddenly, he felt safe, and warm, and—

***

—tired of it all. It was the same thing over and over again. Couldn’t Ugo see that he was really trying? Why did she always have to shoot down his efforts? Why did—?

He stopped himself.

He looked around, collecting his fragmented thoughts. They weren’t making sense, but what he knew was that he had been here, and he somehow had to be here. In front of him, Ugo sat down with a scowl on her face.

Ugo…

Ugo was… she was dead. How was she…?

“Are you even listening to me? God, you aren’t! Why are you like this? I start to talk about things seriously and then you suddenly zone out! I can’t believe you! I’m so done with this!” Ugo got angry and got up to leave the class.

He reacted quickly, because somehow, he knew he had to.

“Ugo! Wait!”

She turned around, a look of impatience on her face.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I know I can be an ass sometimes,” he scratched the back of his head. “Can we talk about this please?”

“Babe… we’ve been talking about this ever since. And”, she sighed, a deep, saddened sigh, “it doesn’t seem to be doing anything.”

“Okay, hear me out. Maybe I’m being a bonehead. You know I get like that sometimes.” What had they been fighting about? He couldn’t arrange his thoughts, but he needed to set things straight. “Please, let’s just figure this out. You and me.”

Ugo’s eyes got teary. “I don’t know if there’s still a you and me.” She turned around and walked out of the classroom. He paused. Something wasn’t right. Why didn’t she stop?

Why didn’t she try to hear him out?

A revelation hit him hard. His thoughts arranged themselves perfectly into one conclusion.

This is the day that Ugo died.

He didn’t know what made him know or how he knew, but he jumped out of the chair and raced into the hallway.

“Ugo! Ugo, wait!” he cried out as he raced for the parking lot, but a cold hand started gripping his chest tight as he—

***

—felt the wind against his face. Where was he? No, why was he here again? Scattered thoughts spoke of something familiar, but he couldn’t put them together. His legs were moving on their own, and he was running to a destination he wasn’t sure of but he had to get to it. His legs pumped harder, moving him faster towards the goal that lay unknown in front of him.

Whatever this is. I have to get it right.

He went onwards, the wind lashing so hard it was making his eyes water. He couldn’t contain the sense of urgency in himself, but his instincts said he didn’t need to. He just had to keep running.

And so, he did.

Until he reached a strange object that glowed fiercely, giving the starless night sky a shimmering, surreal brightness. He got close enough to feel it pulse and as it pulsed, he noticed it was like a giant had pushed it carefully into the earth. Déjà vu hit him. He was close enough to put his hands on the orb, but he held himself. The pulsing got harder, flowing through his being. He took deep breaths to steady his heartbeat, and that’s when he felt it.

The orb. It was speaking to him.

He stood still, swaying slightly with the breeze as the orb pulsed and whispered in his mind.

“I don’t understand. Why shouldn’t I?” he asked. The pulsing became hard, and then subsided into something soft and calming. Tears rolled down his face when he got the message.

Do not resist. Let it go.

He nodded. “Okay… okay,” he said, and put his hands on the orb. The warmth that flowed through him made his heart calm and his mind open. He felt safe, he felt serene, he felt—

***

—tired of it all. It was the same thing over and over again. Couldn’t Ugo see that he was really trying? Why did—

Stop.

Something was… different.

He didn’t feel so tired. He felt sad. Immensely so.

It must have shown on his face because Ugo stopped talking and gave him a worried look.

“What’s wrong? Are you… are you okay?”

He shook his head slightly. “I haven’t been so good to you, have I?”

It caught Ugo by surprise. She blinked a few times, and then seemed to get her thoughts in order. “No… no, you haven’t.”

He nodded. “That’s terrible. I’m sorry. I want to change all of that. I want to,” and then he remembered something, he didn’t know where it came from, but it was there in the recesses of his memory. Two soft spoken lines that came from a place of gold. Do not resist. Let it go.

He sighed, then took Ugo’s hands in his own. She was seated in front of him, in a classroom that he was starting to remember.

Why were there so many déjà vu moments?

He took a deep breath, squeezed Ugo’s hands, and looked her straight in the eye.
“How do you want us to move forward? I’ll follow what you think is best.”

This surprised her even more. This wasn’t his way of behaving, but he had to listen to the soft, golden voice and let things run as they should, no impediments.

She sighed, “we need some time apart. To work on ourselves. You know, figure things out.”

He nodded and stood up, pulling her up from her seat. “I understand,” he whispered, as he gave her a tight hug. She hugged back and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“I have to go now. So, take care, okay?” she said, pulling back from the hug.

“I will. You do too,” he said back as his eyes watered. She waved and walked out of the room.

The memory came back to him.

This is the day Ugo died.

He cried because he knew. He knew there was nothing he could do about it. It had to be. He was powerless, and he could do—

***

—nothing.

There was nothing.

And then slowly, his eyes fluttered open, and there was light. He shifted and felt himself lying down. Sitting up, he looked around and realized he was in his room. He put his hands to his face and felt wetness.

Had he been crying in his sleep? Maybe he had.

What had he been dreaming about? He couldn’t tell. But something in him felt lighter. His phone vibrated. It was the alarm. When he turned it off and looked at the date, his scattered mind fell into place almost immediately. Without knowing, or caring, tears slid down his face once again. When a drop landed on his phone, he didn’t stop the tears. He let it all out.

He cried.

He cried for what was lost, for what wouldn’t be found. He cried because he knew he needed to do it.

When the tears finally dried up, he took a deep breath. His heart felt lighter, and at that moment he knew he was ready. He caught the bits of mud and grass at the foot of his bed and wondered how it had got there.

Now that I think about it, when did I get to bed? I don’t remember getting in.

It didn’t really matter though. Somehow, he felt that he only needed to move forward.

He got up to get prepared for the day ahead.

Today was Ugo’s funeral.

It was time to say goodbye.

 

Photo by Arash hedieh on Unsplash